


Whiskey, Mystics, & Men

by Noir_Dix



Series: à la carte [5]
Category: Ghost (Sweden Band), Pirates of the Caribbean (Movies)
Genre: Animality., Cardi before Cardi is Cardi, F/M, Other, The rum is not yet gone., hammock anxiety, it'll get weirder, weird crossover alert!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2019-09-30
Packaged: 2020-11-08 02:01:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20827550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Noir_Dix/pseuds/Noir_Dix
Summary: I've had this idea for a while, now...It's gone through at least 3 incarnations.This one is smutless.The others were not.So, the potential, again, is there.There's also some of "Dracula's death-boat"  coming up.





	Whiskey, Mystics, & Men

The dubious padre made his way up the gangplank, carefully toting the mid-sized wicker basket in his arms. Mary, his lately less-than-willing servant, followed, sullen.

He wore his usual black cassock, which was rather impressive, compared to the near-rags he wore underneath.

It was the twilight just after sunset, but, the heat of the day still lingered. His head itched under his biretta, which he'd absentmindedly put on backwards.

His basket held a stunningly white pussycat, with long hair. She purred rather loudly, apparently blissfully out of it.

"Ugh. I don't _like_ boats." he muttered, wobbling a bit upon finally making it on deck.

Mary sighed the sigh of the long-suffering.

"Why don't you just tell the old bat to go fuck herself?"

He glared at his idiot companion.

"One does not casually tell their mother to go fuck herself... Savage."

Mary shrugged.

"Call her an _old bat_ again, & I'll rip your throat out."

He blinked.

"That wasn't even what I _really_ wanted to say."

"Watch it, corpse fucker."

"I didn't-"

"I _know_ what you did."

A slight, odd-looking creature stood at the helm. He also seemed to wobble, & resembled a gypsy.

"Don't tell me. That's the captain?"

"You take what you can get... booking passage at night."

Now, it was _his_ turn to sigh.

He approached the other man. He had a good-sized fellow next to him, with fantastic sideburns. He assumed this was the first mate.

"Good even-ing, capitan-?" he dragged it all out, lapsing into one of his ridiculous accents.

The small man blinked at him. He had blackened his eye sockets, inspiring Basil, with his badly bruised eyes.

"Sparrow. Jack Sparrow. _Captain_ Jack Sparrow, savvy?"

He blinked back. He had called him "captain".

Kind of.

The Sparrow creature began to laugh for no discernible good reason.

"No worries, mate. You see... I only just recently got my boat back."

_Oh, great._ This was a fantastic endorsement.

"Papist?" he asked.

"Uhhmmm-"

"Mayhap this is a good omen, cap'n-" the first mate piped up, "Perhaps he could say a few words. You know- to bless the ship."

The captain just shrugged.

"If it'll make you happy, Gibbs."

Mary was snickering _most_ inappropriately.

"Um-" he passed his basket to Mary, & began a bastardized chant of old church Latin, with a few asks to archangel Lucifer thrown at the end.

He made a special point of making the sign of the cross...

Right side up.

Mary was actually snorting with laughter.

He watched the sky worriedly, before yanking his basket back.

"That was beautiful." the man called Gibbs blurted.

All the movement had finally disturbed his cat. She blinked at him; yawning expansively.

"I know, darling." he finagled a way to rub the velvet bridge of her pink nose. "I'm already weary of this, myself."

"You call your cat _darling_?" the captain asked.

Not kindly.

He squared his slight shoulders, & stood a bit straighter.

"Sì. She is very important to me."

"You need to find yourself a girl, mate."

Mary just couldn't take it, anymore.

"But, he's got all the pussy he needs!" he howled with laughter.

Both men cringed noticeably, & Basil leveled a look on him that should have vaporized him on the spot.

"Um... there's hammocks below." the captain informed them uncomfortably. "Will we be seeing you-"

"No." Basil interrupted. "I regret that you probably won't see that much of us."

They looked at each other, expressions loaded.

"C'est la vie." the captain finally said, with a tangible sense of relief.

"Go with God, captain." he smiled, hollowly.

They made their way below, & found a couple of unoccupied hammocks.

Basil just stood, gripping his basket, as Mary swung easily into one.

"How, in the name of Satan-"

"Ah, ah... Careful, _Father_." Mary laughed at him.

He put the basket down, at a loss as to how to get into the contraption, in his cassock.

"You couldn't have gotten a cabin?" he complained.

"_Really?_" Mary shot back, going livid. "All I ever hear is how you can't cope with cramped spaces... What do you think a goddamned ship's cabin is?"

_Maybe he should just take the cassock off? No..._

"And, better yet- _Find us a way back, Mary._ With what? My charm & good looks?"

"Sì, sì. I can see how that could be a problem."

_What leg should he start with? The one he led with? Whichever was closer?_

"Fuuuck youuu." Mary hissed, once again impressing him with maturity.

The cat was watching him, fascinated.

He ended up just sort of lunging at the thing, swinging dangerously, & upsetting his stomach that much more.

If such a thing was possible.

Once he finally stopped moving, the cat sprang up effortlessly to land at his feet.

She started the legendary cat butt-wiggle.

"_No!_ Dix, so help me, if you-"

She pounced, but, thankfully, aimed for his thighs.

"Oof!"

She then made her way carefully to his belly, where she turned round & round a half-dozen times, before laying down & kneading him like dough.

He reached to rub behind her ears.

"You _are_ being rather gentle with me... Do I look sort of green?"

She blinked; dark blue eyes with halos. Their eyes always stayed the same.

(His mismatched gaze made for an interesting addition.)

She turned, & went back to kneading him, only-

He inhaled sharply.

"No. Don't. Ohhh-"

She only flexed her claws a couple of times. It was still enough to fluster him terribly.

"Cat fucker." Mary snorted, inelegantly .

Somehow, he drifted, vaguely aware that Dix was very slowly working her way up his body. Eventually, she was licking the silver scars on his neck, from her frequent visits. Then, it was his ears.

"Stop that. Where has that tongue been?" he giggled.

"It's time to head for your coffin, jackass." Mary mumbled, still acerbic.

Dix hissed, & he pretended not to notice.

"Shh, shh- It's all right."

He had a small coffin, this trip. They had used crates, before. People tended not to snoop in coffins, however.

There was some dirt for him, & a bit thrown in for her, too. She had insisted on making weird little sachets to hold the stuff.

He would usually lay out, & hold her on him, as whatever she was. (She could just barely fit in with him, as human. That made for some fun experiments. He completely forgot his fear of the box, if only for a while.)

His cock twitched expectantly, & he willed it to behave.

He was getting ahead of himself.

She sat up, staring at him. It was the middle of the night... Plenty of time to-

_Oh._

She jumped down to the floorboards easily. He about killed himself, getting back out of the hammock.

Mary feigned sleep, but, kept snorting audibly.

Once he _finally_ got his feet under him, he scooped her up, heading for the cargo hold.

Nobody payed them the least little bit of attention. Once they were there, he started pulling at the neck to his cassock.

_Soon enough, the mist was pervasive._

**Author's Note:**

> The title's a Doors deep cut.  
Yes, I know it's not rum.
> 
> Did y'all pay attention to the clothes situation? (It'll factor into something else. Something profoundly BAD.)
> 
> There will be more to this seafaring vampire pussycat necro disaster.
> 
> As always, tell me what y'all think.  
Inquiring Dix minds want to know.


End file.
